the right thing to do?

Today i did something i don't know is the advisable thing to do or not. It's something that's been going through my mind for the past few months, something that i myself don't really want to admit either. I have mentioned before that i'm quite tired of it, mentioned it casually, perhaps even jokingly, but i didn't want to say it officially, till today actually. Finally, i 've just decided that i should bite the bullet and tell the truth, even if it costs me everything. On the bus to church today, i considered the consequences and it made me realise that it was pride that made me hold back all these months from speaking to my leader about this matter, fear of what others thought about me, fear of losing certain things. But now i've realised, after being in church for sometime now, that the ONLY thing i should fear is God. Cos He is my everything and knowing Him is the most important thing in my life. Sometimes even when i feel like i'm dying inside, i just try to act like nothing's wrong, but i guess i'm a bad actress...haha...cos some of my better friends will be able to tell. Knowing that my face is quite an 'open book' has kinda forced me to change somewhat. In a way, i've started to open myself up more to God and believe, by faith, that He is a good God, that His mercies are everlasting and that thought will slowly start to lift my spirits, very gradual but it's working.. :)

Sometimes people think that just because u seem pretty good at doing something, whatever u do has to be related to it, and that u should perhaps rise up in that area as well. I myself have thought that way too but it's never really been in my heart to move in that direction. It took me a really really long time to come to this decision and finally tell sis klessis about it. Part of me says that i'm weak for making such a decision but i know myself that if i keep on staying, it won't do me or the people around me any good. I know i'll miss some things there..moments there that are really sweet and make me feel happy that God is using me to play a part in their lives.. but i think i need to move on, move on to find out what it really is that i'm called to do. In a way, this place has been something of a comfort zone but God also wants us to expand our capacity as well. Father, i need You to show me Your way, the path i should take. Let Your Word be a lamp unto my feet and shine ever so bright before me, and not let the darkness overwhelm me.

i'm sorry for making u worry, those of u who are concerned about me, i honestly honestly don't mean to. I think i just need time to straighten out my thoughts and focus on God, keep my eyes on Him and do what He wants me to do. I want to do my Father's will, and not do things my way...not my will, but Yours be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.