Pushing on

It's past 2am now..had a really long day today since 6.45am this morning cos i had to go to MOE HQ for a social studies sharing session meant for new teachers. It was not bad actually, we were recommended some cd-roms and books which we could use for our lessons but the fact that i had to drag myself down there so early in the morning was a chore to me. My colleague, Amy, and i were practically half-asleep toward the middle of the session..haha :) Right now, i'm just done with a science project my HOD wanted me n another teacher to do..really hope she'll be happy with it cos i spent hours surfing the net to find stuff..

There's a part of me that feels tired now but there's another part of me that still feels alive..that keeps pushing me to go forward..even in the still of the night..somehow i've always worked better at night..it's like my creative juices start churning and producing the ideas that i don't really have during the day, i thank God that i'm in the afternoon session now so i can sleep in a little longer n not have to get up at 5 plus in the morning anymore. Though this week i only have 2 more days to finish up 1 unit of english n tie up the loose ends of fractions, i'm trusting in God to help me wrap things up nicely by this Wed which will be my kids last day in school for the week till they come back next mon for their CAs. I really hope they will do much, much better this term cos they didn't do too well last term due to the constant change in teachers. They really are a nice bunch of kids, even the naughtier ones can be really helpful, even though i need to be really firm with them n scold them quite often for running around, catching spiders, etc..

Being firm doesn't come easy for me..it actually takes quite a lot out of me to be so firm with them, acting fierce n scolding them for doing things they shouldn't do..at the end of the day i feel really tired. With my friends i don't behave that way, we just chat and laugh at how silly we can be sometimes. I would say i'm pretty easy-going about things most of the time. Sometimes, when scolding my students, i feel like laughing at their silly antics too, but u know u can't cos otherwise they won't take you seriously, especially younger children.

Sometimes, i feel misunderstood. And most of the time i don't realise i'm doing something that is not right so i do need people to let me know what i am not doing right. There were times when i was mistaken for being proud and unapproachable cos i wasn't smiling, and i didn't realise it till some of my friends told me about it. A pretty close friend i had in nie told me how she didn't really dare to talk to me during our 1st yr in nie cos i looked aloof n didn't really seem to wanna talk to her, the funny thing was that i felt the same way about her at that time too. Talking about that incident was really funny to us, but it also made me realise that we shouldn't be too quick to put our assumptions on people cos of the way we look and sometimes, even about the things we say.

The Bible talks about the story of a father with 2 sons. He told both sons to do some work, the younger son said ok but never got down to it, the older son however said he did not want to do it, but eventually thought it over and went over to help with the work.
This happens in real life too. Sometimes we might say that we won't do something when someone tells us to do it, but after taking time to think about it, we change our minds and make the decision to change and start working on it. Wouldn't it be really sad if the father had labelled the older son as a bum just because of what he had said at first? I am glad that my Heavenly Father gives 2nd chances, n not just 1 second chance, but many, many 2nd chances, but we also need to know that we cannot take God's grace for granted.

Last Fri's sermon has been ringing in my head these past few days, how we need to put other things aside and just give our hearts, our minds, our everything to Jesus. To put Him first in whatever we do. To stop busying ourselves like Martha, but to be like Mary, who sat at the feet of Jesus, giving her full attention to Him and His Word. Keeping my eyes on Jesus is something i'm learning to do, every single day, consciously telling myself that i need to fix my eyes upon Him. In Him, we have everything. I long to be a woman after God's own heart, to know what His plans for me are, to make sure that what i want is what He wants because i want to walk in His will, not because i myself want it to be this way. Father, speak to me a Word in season, a Word that is just meant for me, at this point in my life. I know that i can't control my circumstances, but my Father is in control of everything. :)