a long night

Can't really sleep again..always happens during the hols, then when school starts, whether it's work or studying, I can't seem to get enough of it..hee..

Had lunch today with meiling and sabrina, it was fun chatting with u gals today, but probably we could try another type of buffet next time, tim sum perhaps? :)

Then followed Sabie all the way to NUS cos she had some stuff to do there and I wanted somewhere quiet to do my LPs. Never really had the chance to look around NUS before cos I go to the other uni near church..or rather went..i guess my student life is over for now..at least the next few yrs..till i get the chance to pick up books to study again, but right now i have to focus on helping people to study, thinking of ways to make lessons fun for them, yet making sure they do learn something, that's something i hope to do in every lesson i teach. Which is why having the Holy Spirit in a person is so important, so He'll give you the creativity you need to do His will. And i admit, I'm not that good at some of the subjects i teach my kids either, sometimes i need to reread science textbooks several times and look for other materials online just to make sure i'm pretty clear about the topic..haha..anyway i found a quiet place in the library to look through the textbooks while sabie went to use the comp.

Later we went for BS. Honestly, I'm really happy to be able to go for BS again cos it's been quite awhile since we went for our last series. It's always gd to learn more about God and even better to know Him more :) Ps Audrey took us today & it's my 1st time hearing her preach!She's a beautiful & classy lady with a really sweet voice and she has a warmth in her that she exudes that really draws people to her. There's really a lot i can learn from her, especially her warm personality. Some of the examples she gave us had us all in fits of laughter, and when she mentions her family, it'll just make me smile as I remember her cute little girl who comes for Sun service in children's church every week.

Today we learnt about the baptism in the Holy Spirit, how important it is for us as Christians to have Him in our lives, and its manifestation which is by speaking in tongues. Honestly, there are still many christians out there who still don't believe in speaking in tongues & when ps asked if we had friends who did not believe in speaking in tongues but believed they were baptised in the Holy Spirit, i just thought about a good friend i had from my sec sch days. When i first came to city harvest about 3 years ago, she discouraged me from going and told me it was satanic to speak in tongues. Being a new believer and knowing very little about the bible, i was confused but something in me told me since the 1st time i came that it was the church where i belonged, & ps kong's sermons really spoke into my heart about the problems i was going through at that time & there were people like sis selena & sis jiahui who called me up to ask about me & gave me advice about what i was going through. From there, I made a decision in my heart to stay and I've never regretted walking with God all this time. Although it's not all smooth-sailing but from each trial i know i have learnt something and have grown stronger, and there is still much to learn. And i know God is holding my hand all the way. :)

thank you

Just really wanna say thank you to my CG leader and members who've been so encouraging to me during this period when I've been feeling so down.

Thanks Sis Kless for always believing in me, even when I don't believe in myself. The cards and letters you've written to me and the talks I've had with you have helped me in my walk with God and I really appreciate the things you've been doing for me. Thanks for being with me during my ups and downs in life. Your blog today really spoke a word into my life. I really thank God for bringing a wonderful cell group leader like you into my life, and I also just wanna say that I love you. I know you said in 1 of your blogs before that you can't think of any of us who really loves you, but I believe in my heart that actually every one of us in the cg does love you, just that perhaps we express ourselves in different love languages and sometimes it might not be very obvious. I believe your love for us is very much appreciated by everyone of us in N252.

Thanks Sabrina for being such a good friend to me, even taking time out today to have tea with me and having a talk with me. Thanks for your edifying words to me, I don't think I'm as good as the things you said about me but honestly the only thing I had in mind when doing those things is God, whether those things I do are pleasing to Him. Just lending me a listening ear really helped, thanks for being there. You truly are a loyal friend.

Meiling, thank you for your care & concern for me & for including me in your circle of friends. Hope to really develop this friendship of ours & bring it to another level. May we continue to encourage each other in our walk with God.

Estee, thanks for the message you left in my blog. I couldn't agree more when you said last time that we are quite similar in some areas. Your life experiences which you've shared with me have been very inspiring and honestly, you are one of the few people who really understand me.

And also to Yuhao, thanks for your encouragement. Can really see the change in you from the first time I met you sometime last year. Continue to delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

And also a big, big thank you to my Father in Heaven, who is always with me. Though sometimes I don't sense Your presence but I know You are there, holding my hand as You walk with me. I sing praises to You for You are the Lord my God. Even in the valley I sing Your praise. I believe the promises You made to me will come to pass, I believe You will bring me through the valley. I put my trust in You.

why?

I don't really know what's happening to me, why I feel this way, but I just feel like I'm falling through this pit, and i don't know where it ends. I don't know why I take a longer time than my other friends around me to get to a certain place, it just makes me feel so frustrated inside. Why is it that I can't be as emotionally strong as the others around me? And why am i taking so long to learn it? Why? I just have so many 'whys' inside of me, and I don't know how to tell people, and i think blogging is one way to get it all out. And so far no one I know probably gets it. Sometimes I wonder if I stop having the desire, perhaps I'll be a much happier person, then I wouldn't care so much. I'm tired, tired of waiting, mentally tired, tired of telling myself to hold on, frustrated. Frustrated with the fact that I'm neither here nor there. Maybe the vision I have is wrong? Maybe that's why I'm not there when others just take a year or so to get there. No one has really spelt out that exact thing for me, it's hard to work towards it when you hear it from a voice within you and you can't discern if it's yourself or from God. I just wish it were more clearcut, like perhaps a burning bush or something? God, please give me a vision for my life, why am I in this job? What do you want me to do in CHC? Cos without a vision, the people perish.. and I don't want to perish, I still want to live a fulfilling life, an exciting and fulfilling life. Come and fill me Holy Spirit, that I may be able to know the thoughts of my Father, to know His plans for me, cos I know that Your ways are higher than mine, Your thoughts than my thoughts..

Holding on to God..

Sometimes I ask myself, "Do I really want to do all this?", "Can I actually do all this?"While talking to Sabie yesterday when she came over to my house, I was telling her that I don't want to do so much, and I'm actually quite tired of waiting already. But deep inside of me, there was another voice asking me,"Are you sure? Are you sure you don't want to try anymore?"Deep inside of me, I know I can't give up, I can't give up on God and I know I can't stop giving Him my 100 per cent because He has just done so much for me. I want to keep on loving Him and serving Him with all of my heart and all of my soul, even if I still stay at the same place. Father, I pray that You will just keep the fire in me burning for You, that it'll burn even more strongly than ever before. Don't ever let me backslide and lose sight of You but draw me ever closer to You.

so blessed :)

I met Ivan and my mum for dinner tonight and we had Japanese food. The tempura tasted really good cos I haven't had it for a long, looonnng time. During dinner, Ivan was commenting that he wanted to buy a new watch, so I suggested going downstairs after dinner to look at the adidas watches which I thought looked really cool. While looking at the watches, my mummy offered to get me one too, considering she already got me a minnie mouse top before dinner, I just felt so blessed. God is truly a God who knows the desires of our hearts cos there is a particular design I've been eyeing since about 2 months ago but I wasn't getting a salary then so I didn't get it. And now He is blessing me through my mum, God is truly one who really blesses His servants abundantly, really thank Him for giving me my mum who knows how to buy nice gifts for people, though sometimes I haven't been a good daughter to her, but I know God will help me as I commit my ways to Him and allow Him to change and mould me into the person He wants me to be.

Thanks meiling for your encouragement :) , let's all unite together and bring N252 to greater heights! Only found out just now that u were going for your photoshoot from your blog. I pray that God will bless both you and gary with the best conditions for your photoshoot, cos He is one who always gives His best! :)

So glad Estee's back from China, hope to get a chance to talk to her soon and find out how she's doing. Really happy for her for the blessings God has given to her but I'll really miss her too, but I believe God is using her to do greater things for Him. :)

The past few days have been pretty busy for me and the next 2 to 3 days too, thought I would have some time to relax a bit but so far not yet..but I guess being busy is good too cos at least I'm using my brain..hee..

Recently, certain things have suddenly become clearer to me, I'm not so confused anymore and I'm less bothered about these things. Really thank God for clearing up my mind, though it took quite sometime. We might be waiting for a long time, and then suddenly He just steps in and makes things better. It's because of times like these that we will praise God and glorify His Name :) . Thanks Father for your perfect timing :).

thinking and thinking...

Today I went to the airport with Sis Klessis, Ivan and Yihui to send Alice off. It was really nice of my mother to give me and Ivan a lift by cab to a bus stop nearer to the airport while on her way to work. It was a nice time of fellowship even though not everyone in the cg was there, for once I felt at ease fellowshipping even though those who were closer to me in the cg weren't there. I've never been much of a talker since young, and usually I prefer to just keep quiet and observe the things that are happening around me. It takes me a lot of consideration and courage on my part to open up to people. I constantly think a lot and hesitate before I actually open up to someone, cos from experience I know I shouldn't open up too much to some people. Just reminds me of those days in my youth when I was just so brainless...sigh...That's why spiritual discernment is so important, cos we don't know what is in the hearts of man. Father, I need so much more of your spiritual discernment.

Had a chat on msn tonight with meiling and law. Really glad to see that law has grown a lot spiritually, keep it up eh law di..hee... :) And I'm happy that I could share some of my feelings with meiling just now. Like I said before, I think a lot before doing things, and just now, it was really a step of faith when I told her how I felt. I hope it's a step closer in our friendship cos I really hope to build a deeper friendship with this wonderful sister in Christ in my cg as well. Let's keep on keeping on together :) .

An Eventful 3 days of Emerge (Part 1)

Wow...3 days of Emerge passed by in a flash and it just felt like yesterday when many of us were so excited about the conference. It was very good and there were new revelations as well. Although I'll be graduating soon, I still found the sermons very applicable to my life, cos besides the schools we study in, revival can be brought to our workplace as well. Hopefully, there'll be no age limit placed, then I'll probably be able to go every year..hee :) I really appreciate the school holidays we have as teachers.

For the past few days I've been waking up at 5.45 to 6 am in the morning and then rushing off by 6.45am so I can get to church early to queue up for the conferences. Though we waited a long time for the doors to open and it was really hot and stuffy in the waiting area, but when you get into the auditorium and praise and worship starts and you just soak in the presence of God, you know that all that waiting was worth it...I guess that's one meaning of waiting on the Lord. :)

Praise and worship during these 3 days was just awesome, especially worship, it was wonderful being in the presence of God. And the worship leader from Indonesia, Bro Sidney, led a really wonderful praise and worship session during the 2nd & 3rd day of the conference. The Indonesian song that he taught us really touched my heart even though I didn't understand the lyrics. The 1st time I heard it on Wed morning, I was so touched I started weeping. I am truly convinced that music transcends all boundaries. Especially when music is used for the Lord's purpose, it can really touch lives even when we don't understand the language it is sung in.
On the first night, we sang a song that Ps Kong wrote about 10 years ago. It was really heartwarming to see him playing the guitar and singing the song together with Ps Sun. God is truly using these great man and woman of God to do great and mighty things for Him together as a couple. And honestly, I do hope for a partner like that as well, someone who'll go all the way for Jesus, and together we'll do great and mighty things for the Lord. The song was very, very touching and even though I was at the lobby, the presence of God was also very strong and I just knelt down on my knees and broke down in tears there and then, telling God that I don't want to backslide and I want to serve Him all the rest of my life. Ps Kong shared with us before the song that he had friends who were in ministry who had backslided and he himself was telling God that he didn't want to backslide. I have seen friends who used to be so on fire for God and were helpers that have just stopped coming to church and sometimes I wonder how people can survive when they don't have God in their lives. Father, I don't ever want to backslide cos I know that without You, I am nothing.

Tomorrow we are going to send Alice off at the airport, hope she enjoys herself back in Indonesia and be a light for the Lord there. I better get some rest now or else I'll have a lot of difficulty getting up in the morning. Will post up more of my thoughts again. :)

Start of my hols.. :) ..n the end of a chapter

Finally...holidays r here!!I'm so glad that I can actually take a break from work and do some things that I enjoy doing..er..well hopefully I do get down to doing them. One thing I would really like to thank God for is the chance to go for all 3 days of Emerge Conference, cos previously there was talk that the school wanted us to come back till Wed to help out for the opening ceremony..but thank God for His provision and we were allowed to take a break from this week onwards till school reopens :) . There's nothing I love more than coming to church and being in the presence of God, cos I know that there's no one who loves me more than He does :) .

Today I started my day by going back to school though, even though there wasn't much of a need to. I went back to the staff room to grab the textbooks and guidebooks so I can actually start writing lesson plans sometime during the hols and to take a look at the school's ecogarden which I'm supposed to help out with and also plan some activities that the kids can do there. As much as I can, I want to try my best to help my kids, be it in their studies or just lending a listening ear. Unfortunately, apart from my 1st practicum where I spent quite a fair bit of time talking to my kids after school hours, I find that I haven't been giving them as much attention as I want to, and it does make me feel sad, cos I want to spend more time trying to get to know them better. Honestly, I'm really impressed with my 1st CT, how he actually manages to know most of his students so well, while juggling so many duties at the same time.

After that, I met up with a few of my NIE classmates to collect our convocation gowns together. Wow I can't believe that 4 years of studying in NIE has actually passed by so quickly! In fact, it seems like yesterday when I first stepped onto campus and asked someone for directions to the canteen...hee :) . As I was trying on my gown and mortar board, I just felt happy yet relieved. Relieved that my 4 years of tertiary studies were finally over and happy that I'll be graduating soon. Being able to graduate from uni is like a dream come true for me, and I believe that as I walk with God, He will continue to bring my other dreams to pass as well, slowly but surely, as I continue to hold on to His promises.

Seeing my classmates today was also a really wonderful thing for me cos I just miss those times where we would sit in the canteen and crap with one another, telling jokes that are just so 'Duh' sometimes...haha..

Honestly, I really thank God for the friends I've made during my 4 years in NIE. People I've learnt to appreciate and relate to, people whom I can share my thoughts with, encourage me when I'm down and help me out with my studies when I'm just struggling.. Thank God for those 4 years of precious memories that I have of NIE. The end of a chapter, and the beginning of a new one....