the right thing to do?

Today i did something i don't know is the advisable thing to do or not. It's something that's been going through my mind for the past few months, something that i myself don't really want to admit either. I have mentioned before that i'm quite tired of it, mentioned it casually, perhaps even jokingly, but i didn't want to say it officially, till today actually. Finally, i 've just decided that i should bite the bullet and tell the truth, even if it costs me everything. On the bus to church today, i considered the consequences and it made me realise that it was pride that made me hold back all these months from speaking to my leader about this matter, fear of what others thought about me, fear of losing certain things. But now i've realised, after being in church for sometime now, that the ONLY thing i should fear is God. Cos He is my everything and knowing Him is the most important thing in my life. Sometimes even when i feel like i'm dying inside, i just try to act like nothing's wrong, but i guess i'm a bad actress...haha...cos some of my better friends will be able to tell. Knowing that my face is quite an 'open book' has kinda forced me to change somewhat. In a way, i've started to open myself up more to God and believe, by faith, that He is a good God, that His mercies are everlasting and that thought will slowly start to lift my spirits, very gradual but it's working.. :)

Sometimes people think that just because u seem pretty good at doing something, whatever u do has to be related to it, and that u should perhaps rise up in that area as well. I myself have thought that way too but it's never really been in my heart to move in that direction. It took me a really really long time to come to this decision and finally tell sis klessis about it. Part of me says that i'm weak for making such a decision but i know myself that if i keep on staying, it won't do me or the people around me any good. I know i'll miss some things there..moments there that are really sweet and make me feel happy that God is using me to play a part in their lives.. but i think i need to move on, move on to find out what it really is that i'm called to do. In a way, this place has been something of a comfort zone but God also wants us to expand our capacity as well. Father, i need You to show me Your way, the path i should take. Let Your Word be a lamp unto my feet and shine ever so bright before me, and not let the darkness overwhelm me.

i'm sorry for making u worry, those of u who are concerned about me, i honestly honestly don't mean to. I think i just need time to straighten out my thoughts and focus on God, keep my eyes on Him and do what He wants me to do. I want to do my Father's will, and not do things my way...not my will, but Yours be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.

Disappointed..

Was on leave since yesterday cos i was having a really bad throat..could barely speak yesterday but after a good long sleep things got better and i could speak again..thank God. Dr gave me 2 days of mc so i got a gd rest, but tomorrow i'll be back in sch again. Need to pick up my momentum again..

Don't know why, but i feel kinda disappointed..disappointed over something that happened over the weekend. But i guess some things are meant to be this way. Right now, i just wish God would step in and take over, take away this disappointment in me.

However, this disappointment has shown me certain things as well...that in EVERYTHING we need to put God first, whatever we do, we need to trust Him wholeheartedly. Sometimes doubts do creep into my mind, and i do wonder if God will bring me through certain areas, but i also know that God has shown Himself faithful to me many many times, even in situations that i can't explain. So for this situation God, i'll leave it in Your hands, for i know You have the best plans in store for me because Your ways are higher than my ways, Your thoughts than my thoughts.

Patience is something else i need to learn..i can be quite an impatient person sometimes,wishing i could get some things done more quickly, wishing my family members would be saved more quickly, wishing i could rise up faster... but God has shown me that He makes all things beautiful in His time, that sometimes i have to WAIT before certain things can happen.

Waiting...something many people don't like, especially in this generation, when we have so many 'instant' things...instant noodles, instant porridge..we want things fast..we want things NOW! But God thinks otherwise, yes there may be times when He gives u what u want quickly cos He thinks it's the right time or because u want it SO badly that He just says 'all right, since u want it now, here it is!'Just like the case of the children of Israel, they wanted a king to rule over them so badly that God gave them Saul, and Saul didn't turn out to be a good king.

For good things to happen, sometimes we need to wait..wait till God thinks it's the right time for us to go ahead, and for me, i realise that the waiting has taught me to appreciate things more. We need to let go and let God..leave matters in His hands and trust in Him that He knows the right timing to give it to us.

just some thoughts about the week

Have approximately 45 minutes left to my break now before i go back to my class to spend the last hr and a half with them and then i'm off to church!!Yay! That's my favourite part of the day..hee and fri is one of my fave days too cos going to church and spending time with God there is a really huge part of my life :)

But right now there's a huge pile of books on my desk waiting to be marked..

Things have been moving faster this week...on Mon, i learnt that i'm supposed to take over 2G, cos their form teacher is going on maternity leave. So far most of them have been pretty ok, most are quite teachable, though kids being kids they can be rather self-centred at times. Tue was my convo for my degree...i count it a real blessing to have 2 convos in 1 yr when most pple just have 1 :) . Wed i took over my new class n i wld say they r more manageable than the previous classes i took. Although PE was a challenge to me, i admit i did have fun playing n learning together with my classes..volleyball, hockey....hee :)

well think i better go back to my marking now...looking forward to tonight...arise and build pledge tonight...so glad to be part of CHC n being able to be part of this once again :)

Nick of time

wow...talk abt a long day...just finished my lesson plans and thinking abt wat to teach my kids tomorrow..really glad i managed to talk to the PE HOD today abt wat to teach them..it's tough for me cos i'm not PE trained and i really don't wanna teach another PE class by just telling them to run. And I've been blessed today, really God knows His timing so well, gave me something i really needed in order to tide over a near crisis today, when i realised i made a really huge mistake. Thank God He really came thru for me this time :)

living for God

Had to wake up really early today and be in school at 7.30am to help out with the Excel fest in school. Helped to 'train' the students at 2 of the booths, telling them how to explain the games to the visitors when they came later. Got a chance to talk to the 4 of them, and they are really good kids, very genuine kids with good hearts. Sometimes their maturity at their age really impresses me, 1 of the boys told me that he was really playful last year and had to go to EM3 this yr. And after that he actually realised the importance of studying, he said that by studying we could actually help Singapore to remain prosperous and maybe make the country even richer and he hopes to be the president one day so he can help Singapore become the best country in the world. I was really impressed cos he's only in P6 and he already has such big dreams, and even considers the benefits of others, when many other kids are only thinking about themselves at this point, even those from the better classes. Truly, God uses the weak and not the strong and He reveals things to those who are humble. I guess that's one reason why their form teacher really loves them, and they really respect him a lot as well and are willing to do things for him. It really reminded me abt tonight's cg message about the mighty men of God who served King David with all their hearts and souls. These men didn't start out well, many were probably running away from King Saul too, but David loved them and in turn, they loved him too and were willing to lay down their lives for him. I want to lay down my life for Jesus too, cos i know i owe Him too much for paying with His life on the cross and dying for us.

be faithful in the little things

After waiting for so long, things are starting to get clearer, why I'm here in this place, doing the things i'm doing right now, after i've been feeling depressed for so long, i can once again sense God's voice calling out to me after not being able to hear from Him, especially during this period when i feel so aimless, asking Him and yet still unable to hear...
Be faithful in the little things and I will give u much more...this keeps impressing on my heart. I believe i need to be able to do my best with wat has been given to me right now, in order to be able to do things for God that i really wanna do in the future. i believe this time will be a time of testing for me, to see if i can endure...then i'll be able to do the things i hope to do in the future. Wanting to go full-time for God one day has been a desire for me since about 2 years ago, but i've also been rather confused, becos of the circumstances i'm in right now, and also the doubts in my mind that go 'really? u think God can use someone like u to work in church?' and i can sense the opposition coming when i really need to make the decision in future. but just as the song goes, God will make a way when there seems to be no way, He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me... really lovely song that i learnt during my sec sch days :)
Even when times are tough, i won't give up cos my Father is with me, always by my side :)