Today's the day..

will be having a lesson observation by my VP later at 2pm...can't really explain the feeling..a bit scared but not VERY frightened..a bit worried but not overly anxious..guess i'm more worried abt what she wants to check cos my marking is rather backlog..dunno why i'm marking so slowly these days..God please come thru for me today..

Live on FIRSThand revelations

What Pst Kong said during svc on fri was so true..that we can't live on secondhand revelations but we need to get firsthand revelations from God for ourselves...find out what God has for our lives..

There comes a time when God gives us a dream for our lives n we start to walk towards it with all our heart n all our might...n then the dream oftentimes dies...might be cos we r not ready or God thinks it's not time for it to come to past yet...n during this death period, we start wondering to ourselves, did i hear right from God? God, is this really what You have in mind for me?..it is during this period of time that we need to hold on to God with our dear lives, despite all the disappointments, all the seemingly unfair treatments we seem to be getting, during this time we need to remember that the House of God is where it all happens, where all our dreams n revelations come to us n it is only through the House of God will our dreams come to past. Even when we don't feel like going for CG, we need to push on..cos 1 thing is true n always will be, that is God is good, no matter what is going on in our lives, be it good or bad situations. N when we pull through, hanging on to God, keep on pressing in to Him, asking Him to speak to us...He will finally do so...sometimes it takes days..even months for HIM to speak..but when He finally does, you will know that He has always been there for you n He has never ever forsaken you during this whole period. During this period of testing, He sees your heart n examines u...seeing what r the principles u live by in your life..n then cleaning out bit by bit the wrong areas in your life.. n when u finaly come to the realisation n see Him for who He is, He will slowly start to bring your dreams to past..bit by bit..as u open your heart to Him..as u start to change bit by bit.. I thank God for never forsaking me during the difficult periods in my life, n i believe He will still continue to bring me through until all my dreams come to past..though it seems like a really long time before one of my biggest dreams will come to past..i believe God will help me to hold on..n mould me to become the woman He wants me to be..so i can contain what He wants me to be.

Feeling under the weather..

Been feeling very dizzy since i got up this morning..n it doesn't feel like the headaches i usually get due to lack of sleep. My mum says the symptoms i'm having seem like hers when she got sore eyes last week..oh dear..hope i don't get sore eyes too..

the deeper issues

Today we started our 1st BS lesson on Authority for Victory. Bro Bobby mentioned something about not just taking care of the problem at the surface but having to dig deeper and take care of the deeper issue in our hearts in order to solve the whole problem. Very true..cos just dealing with the issue on the surface means the main problem is still there n it's still left unsolved. We need to deal with the root of the problem n surrender ourselves n our main problem to God n then He will step in to help, sooner or later.

Hmm....having lesson observation by my VP on Fri afternoon..n having trouble thinking of how to organise the flow of my lesson...keep me in prayer k? dat my kids will be good dat day when she's there n they'll be really attentive n cooperative that day n that my lesson will run along smoothly..thanks :)

dream in progress..

So tired now..but just wanted to blog this down...i've been ACCEPTED into choir!! So happy when i got the news from sis kless this evening at about 6.50 pm, just as i was about to walk out of the school gate. I was just about to check the venue of joyce's baby's birthday celebration when i saw sis kless's no. on my phone. Well, i guess if my VP n the other teachers weren't standing so close to me, i would have screamed for joy...haha..

During these past few months, there have been some turning points in my life..trying to adjust to my new job n new working environment, getting a feel of how the whole place works, etc. At the same time, i've seen my dreams starting to come to past slowly, things i've been waiting for for years..graduating from uni, helping out more in my cg, getting into choir..yes there have been times, even after being in church for a while now, where i have wondered whether these dreams in my heart would ever come to past. it took me a lot of conscious effort..and lots of time...and i don't mean months... to surrender these dreams to God as well, but i realise also that after i did surrender them to Him n slowly trust in Him, He started to move as well, giving me the good things i have desired in my heart for a long time.

No...my 3 and a half years in church hasn't been smooth-sailing, those who have been with me in the same cg since the beginning would know...my 2nd year especially was really tough n i was disappointed with lots of things..n my behaviour was anything but wonderful...there were times i thought of leaving church n honestly i didn't feel like going to cg either..but nevertheless i would just drag myself there week after week.. i guess wat made me hold on then was the memory of all the good things that God did for me as a new believer n a knowing in my heart that i would be nothing without God..but i believe the most important thing is the decision u make in your heart..if u make a decision in your heart to hold on to God no matter what comes your way, He will bring you through the storm somehow, n oftentimes He does things in ways we do not expect :) i won't say i'm out of my storm completely yet..there are ups n downs in our life ..but i trust in my Father to guide me n bring me through it all..

Trusting in God

I was reading an article by Pst Brian Houston in Harvest Times last night, a pretty old issue, an article about how to lift up the quality of our day. 1 phrase that he mentioned stirred something inside me 'Every day is an opportunity for us to do something for God'. Lately, i have been feeling rather down, facing lots of pressure from my heavy workload n working life, which i'm still trying to get used to. I guess i'm someone who takes a lot of time to adjust to things, n i really wish i weren't like that many times. But somehow when i thought about this phrase when i woke up this morning, it suddenly seemed to make my day in school much easier to go through, even though my class was really restless n i really had to scream at them to get their attention. Knowing that i am doing something for God makes me feel better, instead of thinking 'I am so tired..I am so stressed.." It makes me realise how self-centred i am. Everything also I...haha

After that i headed to church for choir audition. it was nice practising with some of the choir helpers, who were really nice n helpful, sharing tips with us. It's taken me a long while n lots of courage to actually pursue this dream of mine, a dream which i thought was dead. i went for an audition about 3 years ago, which i din make it thru n after that, i didn't have the courage to go for auditions anymore. Whenever anyone asked me abt going for audition, i would just say that i wasn't ready yet. N for a while, i served in another area which pple thought i was quite gd at. But i think helping out in the support choir for benny hinn's crusade kinda sparked that fire in me again. During the audition, some things which happened were like deja vu, the circumstances were so similar to my audition 3 years ago n i actually heard some comments on the train which were not very encouraging...well i wasn't supposed to hear..but talk about being at the wrong place at the wrong time...ha..i felt quite disheartened on the mrt ride home.
But i was reminded of a verse in the bible, a verse that i would use to encourage myself during my days in NIE when i was so bogged down by my work, n i was wondering if i would ever graduate..haha...

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, "says the Lord, "thoughts of peace n not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."
Jeremiah 29:11

I have decided to hold on to this verse, that God has a good future planned for me, that He will come through for me no matter wat, even when circumstances dun look promising, i know my Father has given me n will give me good things, as long as i continue to seek Him with all my heart. Even though i take a much longer time than most pple to get certain things that i desire for in my heart, things like my church ministry n a place in uni, n i dun really understand why God works things out this way as well, i trust n believe in Him that He works all things out for my good.

Stressed...

What's wrong with myself? I feel like a nervous wreck right now, even when i'm on mc today, i'll keep having really bad thoughts about myself..just kept on thinking about work..doesnt even feel like a rest day at all..sigh.. right now i'm wondering why i even got myself into this.. n if i'm up to it all..i just feel like i cant face my workplace at all today..face the pple there..it was a real chore going there last wk too..sometimes dunno how i'm gng to spend the next few years there..it's not really that i have no friends there..i do...n they really bother to watch out for me, reminding me of things i need to submit so i wont get into so much trouble..sometimes i wish the break were longer so i can just settle my thoughts n everything...I just wish my Father would come through for me..feel so scared right now...pull me out of this Father...

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Letting go

Letting go has never been an easy thing for me to do. I take a very, very long time to let go of things, even though sometimes these things might not be good for me, and people around me have been telling me to let go, i still find myself clinging on to these not-so-good things. In fact, there have already been signs by God telling me that i should let go, but i still keep on holding on, choosing not to notice those signs, telling myself that God hasn't given me an answer yet, n then continue to ask Him for a sign everyday. Until one day, when another sign about this same situation seems to pop up, i realised that God had already given me an answer a long time ago, just that i didn't want to look at it. I guess God must be shaking His head at me up there, thinking why i took so long to get it into me.

But 1 thing i have decided in my heart, is to let go. In order to pursue my dream, i know i have to let this go, otherwise i'll never move forward n this will be a baggage pulling me back, pulling me back from my dream of wanting to do more in the Kingdom of God. Honestly, i dun really feel sad, i dun feel like crying or anything, i just feel numb. Now, i can hear my Father telling me that it's time to move on, move on to a new phase in my life, where He will show me greater things, things that i have never seen before, n He will always be with me :)

Making decisions

Recently, I've come to realise that it's one thing to know something in your head..to make a decision in your head n another to make a decision in your heart. Actually i've come across this quite some time ago during my sermon notes n also during BS. But i guess it's never really sunk into me till recently.
Lots of times, we know it's wrong to do certain things. We know we shouldn't lie, we know we need to change our thinking about certain things, n hence we tell ourselves or we tell our leaders, our friends, our parents that we will change, but after that, we still carry on with our lives the same way as before, going back to our habit of telling lies, having the same thoughts that we used to have. This is all head knowledge, decisions we make in our heads. We walk away forgetting what we have said, n it's a really sad thing. I myself am guilty of doing something like that before, in fact one too many times. Saying sorry, saying i will change but still keeping my old mindset. But i thank God for the patient leaders He has placed over me in various seasons of my life, who have forgiven me time n again for all the mistakes i have made, always so willing to guide me along still, despite everything. Always keeping me in their prayers. You have all played a really big part in my life, discipling me, giving me advice in the way i should go. I really thank each n every one of u, n i really love u.

When we have only made decisions in our heads n do not have the conviction in our hearts to change, it's really not much use cos nothing has changed. You may go to the best church, have the best sermons preached to u, go for lots of Bible Studies, attend the best Bible School, have all the great men of God like Pst Ulf Ekman n Pst Phil Pringle lay hands on u n pray for u, but as long as u do not make a decision in your heart to change, it's all not of much use at all. As long as u are still stuck in your old mindset, thinking u are a worm that won't amount to much, u can't n u won't make a decision in your heart to change.

Making a decision in our hearts to change is not an easy thing to do. In fact, it requires an act of faith on our part. We need to keep on consciously telling ourselves, especially at the beginning stage, that this is wat we have to do. Consciously reminding ourselves that we are children of God n that we are empowered to succeed, that even though we r not where we want to be right now, but that we believe God will bring us there in His good timing.
After making the decision in our hearts to change, we also need to have an outward change in our actions. It could be the way we do things or the way we treat people. This way, others see that we have changed. And i believe this is also known as repentance, an inward change of heart n an outward change of action,hope i got the definition right :)

A few days ago, my brother Ivan was sharing with me wat he learnt at Bro KT's cg when he went for makeup there recently. Bro KT shared about how David used to be Saul's armour bearer, carrying a shield that was 2 metres high to protect the king from enemies' arrows. Hearing wat he shared with me, i made a decision in my heart that i want to be an armour bearer for my cg leader, for my leaders in church, Pst Kong n Pst Sun. I want to be a better helper to my leader, to be there when she needs me, to pray for my leaders in church so they are protected by God, to be an armour bearer for God, to serve Him the best i can.

teachers' day

today we had teacher's day celebration..well sort of..actually i din really expect much cos i've spent about only a month with my form class n i thought they hadn't really warmed up to me yet. But my first gift of the day was a real surprise, it was actually given to me by 2 P6 girls whom i didn't really know that well. I've only spoken to them once really..a few weeks ago when they came to the staff room to look for another teacher n they struck up a conversation with me..they spoke to me like i was a longtime friend n i was really quite amazed at their boldness cos i was really shy at that age...u would never see me talking to a teacher like a friend..haha..but these days kids are really much MUCH bolder. I was really really touched by their gesture :) .
Later after the performance by some of the students, our P offered each of the afternoon session teachers a bouquet of orchids. And i had the honour of cutting the teachers' day cake with our P n Mrs Ong, another teacher. Cos they were looking for the youngest teacher n oldest teacher in the afternoon session to do the honours..well i guess most of u can guess which category i belong in huh? hee... but i count it as an honour from God to give me the opportunity to cut the cake today :)
My kids later showered me with so many items in class, really made me feel so blessed to be their teacher...even though so many things happened later in the afternoon which made me very sad n down..i know that i need to count it all joy that God has counted me worthy of such afflictions..thank you Lord Jesus in all my situations

happening day

So many things happened today..honestly i don't really know where to start. When you are attacked, i realise u don't get just 1 arrow at a time being shot at u..but u get multiple arrows shot at the same time. But thank God that today, each time something happened, God sent someone in to step in for me, pple like my VP n our Maths HOD. i felt really down at certain points today but 1 thing i do know is that God is still with me, He is my Helper in times of need. i guess this year's teacher's day is a time of moulding and learning for me, though certain times of the day were sweet n others challenging, i know God is still with me, the devil always has the same tricks up his sleeve but i know n i KNOW that my God will see me thru my circumstances n He will help me to pass my tests..